Today is Captain UK’s birthday. We are celebrating big style with breakfast fit for a king, lunch to die for, an out of this world homemade (by me of course) ice cream cake, presents, cocktails, and love.
But, but, but, but Captain UK is a vegan, as am I. Certainly the celebration will be boring, tasteless, and uneventful. Poor vegans. They have no life. Fuck me, how is life any good without a steak?
How can a cake be anything but shit without eggs and dairy?
And a birthday celebration? We are both probably almost dead from our protein deficient bodies.
I will sadly share with you our horrible vegan day. Brace yourself. The pictures are a little harsh. They aren’t for the faint minded.
What a boring bland breakfast of savory molasses beans, sautéed fresh mushrooms, diced ripe tomatoes, and sweet strawberries. Add baked crescent rolls stuffed with Field Roast sausages, onions, spinach, and cheese. Fried sweet and golden hash brown potatoes round the meal out. Don’t forget about HP sauce and cold orange juice. Yes, boring and tasteless as fuck.
Let’s move onto some presents because we know that vegans are so fucking sad, they don’t enjoy anything.
Nice bike loser. We all know that vegans like to bike. They want to save the fucking world, one less car ride at a time.
As you can see, the day is fucking dragging. We better try and add some pizazz to this day.
What? Vegans drink? I thought they just walked around eating grass all day and making the carnivores feel like shit for eating corpses? Maybe we should just move on to dinner!
Of course we started out with a lovely salad! Isn’t that kind of like grass? Our main course was just lasagna.
Cheesy, saucy, garlicy, and loaded with mushrooms, onions, and spices. Captain UK couldn’t stop eating. He must have been super hungry from eating grass most of his pathetic vegan life.
Our best bet is to just get the birthday cake thingy over and done with and then pass out with weak muscles and bones from our horrible food choices.
Triple layer chocolate cookies and cream ice cream cake. No scary dairy shit. The kids devoured piece after piece. They must have felt obligated since a vegan birthday cake must be complete crap.
Thanks for sharing our typical day of being an aggressive, boring, vitamin and mineral deficient, lonely day as a vegan!
Happy Birthday Captain UK!!