GARDENING 1,000,000!



You see a lot of people post about their gardens; their green thumbs, their abundant rewards, their everlasting skill of maneuvering weeds, water, bugs, and birds and just how fucking perfect it all comes together. Who does that shit?


We all love fresh produce, especially summer fruits and veggies.  Who doesn’t love biting into a ripe red tomato or a handful of juicy strawberries?

To some, it can seem daunting; to others a piece of cake.  I am going to show all of you how easy gardening can be to anyone.  I say that with complete sincerity as a kid growing up who didn’t even know how to plant a flower, let alone tend to a vegetable garden.


Why should anyone bother to have a garden?  Why would anyone want to take their precious time, when we are all too busy anyways to pull weeds, deal with pesky bugs, or dig in the dirt?  Wouldn’t it be easier to just go buy the shit at the grocery store?  Let someone else do the “dirty” work!


Everyone should have a garden.  Yes, I know that some people have apartments, live with their parents that don’t want their lawns annihilated, or just don’t know where in the hell to start.  This blog is going to show you the way.

First up…..get out of the mindset that you can’t grow a fucking thing.  You can! If you don’t have a yard to do it in, throw those seeds/plants in a pot.  It can be done. We are all afraid of the unknown.  We need to take that leap of confidence to change our mindset.  I am going to give you all the steps you need to make it super easy.  You will thank me later (specifically at the end of the growing season when you’re eating all these tasty healthy plants and you’ve done it yourself with no pesticides or chemicals).


I am going to give you some specific steps to get started.


# 1

Find some kind of fruit or veggie you love.  Research it enough to know if you can or can’t grow it in your climate.


Once you find that perfect fruit or veggie (or certainly more than one is even better) figure out where you are going to plant it.  If you have a yard to plot out a vegetable patch, great!  More power to you.  We will get back on tilling your garden patch before planting in a bit.   If you are using a pot or pots, we need to make sure you have dirt to put into said pots.  You don’t need Miracle Grow, tons of fertilizers, or pesticides to keep away the critters.






Tilling the ground if the plants are going in your yard is an easy task, if you have a tiller.  If you don’t , buy one, borrow one, rent one, or just start off small and overturn your soil with a shovel and chop up to make the soil softer and more manageable.  Think of how great your toned arms will be.  Make sure this location gets plenty of sunlight.  Plant your plants.  Water!



If you are planting in a pot, it’s a bit easier.  Pour in some potting soil. Move into the sun.   Add plants. Water!


Watch these fuckers grow.  If you have tomato plants, you will need to tie and stake them.  I will show you how.  Easy peasy.  If you have other plants, it just depends.   Peppers don’t need staking.  Beans need a “fence”.  Zucchini and squash need tons of room, as do cucumbers and melons.

Again, why go through all the “pain” of doing your own when you can pop down at your local grocery store and shop until you drop.  Drop you will.   When growing your own, you control the environment.  You are giving your family healthier foods to eat by growing your own food.  What a win win deal for everyone.


Make sure these beauties have plenty of water, sun, and tender loving care.  It’s not too much of rocket science.  If it’s dry, water them. Rain water, or pond, or lake or any water is better than the chlorinated water out of your tap, but tap water is better than no water.   Keep the plants in the sun if they are mobile.  Pull out weeds that suck water and nutrients from the main plant.  We put a lovely cheap bird bath in the middle of our veggie patch to keep the birds around eating the unwanted bugs.  It has worked awesome.  You will still have some bugs and possibly other critters.  Don’t fret!  Everyone deserves to eat. A nibble here and a nibble there won’t kill anyone.  If the problem persists see tip #7!



If you must spray for pests, spray a water based pepper spray to ward off the insects. Check out the internet.  Dish soap mixed with cayenne, jalapeno, or habanero and some water goes a long way.  Just don’t stick your fingers into yours eyes afterwards.  You have been warned.   Please do not put chemicals on the plants.  If you are going to do that, you don’t need your own garden.  Go to the store and buy the shit.


Find lots of great recipes online for when your plants are ready to pick.  Share with your family to get everyone in the groove.  Eggplant Parmesan, Zucchini Bread, pickles, stir-fry’s, pastas with homemade marina, pizzas on the grill, jacket potatoes, you name it.   You will not only love your new found foods, you will revel in trying new recipes with them.



Enjoy all your new healthy foods.  Love what you are doing.  Make plans for next growing season to include even more options for your garden.   Start planning now because you are so excited. Be the crazy bitch who runs in the house screaming, “We have our first cherry tomato!  OMG!  I love summer!”


Tell everyone you know about your great healthy experience.  Get others to follow your lead.  Cook for your work potlucks with your freshly grown produce to show people the way.   Pat yourself on the back for your efforts.  Enjoy your new found freedom.  Go Vegan or for fuck sake, at least eat and grow more fruits and veggies.  Your body will thank you.  The family will thank you.  Animals will thank you. Mother Earth will thank you!



Gardening is really much simpler than non-gardeners think.  I went from “no thumb” to a “green thumb” all on my own with a little research and lots of patience.  The rewards are numerous.  I love to spend my day outdoors in my garden picking the fruits of my labor.  I kind of merge with nature, enjoy the sunshine, water/weed the garden, and sip on my Jack Daniels while thinking up fabulous new vegan recipes to whip up.  Life is good when you have a garden!


GAR1Message me if you have any questions, comments, or suggestions. Happy digging!



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